i wanna scream

[missanthropicprinciple]

I made the dreadful mistake of voicing my concerns to my mother about teaching high-school-age kids. I’m thinking of applying for a teaching job at a local private college prep school but I’ve been having some concerns about teaching younger kids. Maybe it would be too daunting. Maybe I’d be good at it. I have no idea. I’ll still apply anyway but talking to my mother about it proved to be a big mistake. “I didn’t know you were gonna start talking about something heavy,” she said. She often needs warning before I talk about these kind of things, and if I don’t give her warning she gets very angry very quickly, which makes me never want to talk to her about anything. Talking about the job market with her is a nightmare and I’m so dumb, I never learn, just not to talk to her about it period. She hasn’t been in the work force since I was born. She’s seen me struggle in the job market but she still thinks I can just go door to door and just get a job or get an “in.” But it doesn’t work like that. So many jobs I’ve looked at and applied for require 3-6 years of previous related work experience and of course you can’t get that 3-6 years of experience if they won’t hire you, so I’m stuck in the catch-22. Mom says I’m “limiting myself.” I’m not. I’m telling her the reality of the situation and she’s not listening to me. She can’t seem to comprehend the reality of what so many people my age deal with. And I don’t want to work in an office or a cubical because that will absolutely destroy the work I’ve done to manage my C-PTSD. I feel like not even my therapist understands that early mornings are genuinely difficult for me. I need to have a schedule where I can find a routine where I can manage my symptoms and sleep schedule. Mom is like “well, you can’t just not take a job because you have to get up early. I mean, what’s early?” This is what I’m up against. But she’s insistent that there is some magical job out there for me and is suddenly reluctant to accept my desire to go for a teaching job. She said, “They even create jobs for people” and “There are jobs out there that you don’t even know exist” and “How about a leadership job?” She added “There are other big fat jobs out there” and “You have to get inside information” and “I want you to be in a bigger work environment so you can find a husband.” Well, all that is ludicrous and she says I’m shooting down everything she says. Firstly, yes, there are wonderful jobs out there somewhere but I have less than 8 months to apply for and get a job for after I graduate. Sounds like a lot of time but it’s not. I have work and my master’s thesis. Secondly, getting an “in” isn’t easy. Sure, I’ll try but that’s not as easy as it sounds. Thirdly, dating guys I work with sucks, and there is absolutely no guarantee that working in a large place, or any workplace for that matter is gonna get me a husband. And obviously, through all this mom was just mean and childish, lying about things that she said, telling me that I was fighting her, raising her voice, interrupting me CONSTANTLY so that I had to tell her to stop. It was a nightmare. I feel like I’m living in one.