not doing well
Feb. 2nd, 2020 11:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missanthropicprinciple January 2020 has been really stressful. February hasn't started off well. Didn't get a good night's sleep again. At my mom's for the weekend. Last time I was over here I heard a rustling in my room or in the walls, I couldn't tell, but at 1 in the morning I was suddenly wide awake, my eyes bugging out. My blood ran cold. Early this year we discovered we have mice. There was a bag of shelled macadamia nuts in my dad's workshop downstairs. He'd been meaning to break them open by making a little cage out of nails so we could crack them open with a hammer. This was years ago and he never got to it. Fast forward to when Mom and I were doing laundry some weeks ago and we pulled up some laundry on the floor and out rolled a shelled macadamia nut. Going into Dad's workshop we discovered the empty orange plastic net bag in tatters on Dad's work bench. I neglected to mention the two dead mice I found in Dad's workshop not long after he died. And I didn't think of it again because there was no sign of mice. And then yesterday I found a tiny mouse turd on one of my t-shirts in my closet. I didn't hear any rustling noises the last couple nights of my visit but I feel so tense sleeping here now. My own apartment has made me somewhat tense as well as I'm pretty sure there's a PCP dealer across the hall from me. Not to mention the parking garage thefts and purse snatchings in the general area. So I just don't feel safe anywhere anymore. I feel itchy and gross and violated and uneasy pretty much constantly. Cleaning out the dust at mom's house has been a challenge. There's so much of it and now this added germ potential with mice is really disturbing. The mouse situation is just cruel irony as mouse is my nickname and oddly part of my entire childhood and how I made my parents laugh, not to mention how I staved off some serious abuse by being cute. I've spent so much time appeasing them all these years I don't know what I want or who I am. I was talking to someone the other day and I literally forgot who I was. Yesterday at work I was so overwhelmed I slipped between a tight space in the stacks to calm down. I was in such a foul mood when I got off work yesterday and I am NOT a moody person. I feel like I want to crawl out of my own skin.
I'm not exactly happy about my financial situation either. I bought a plane ticket to London in June and I still owe my friend my half of the air bnb. It's not much for the latter but still, all told this trip is gonna cost me $2000. And that also happens to be the number my tuition is approaching. My last tuition, thank christ. 19-hundred clams for not very much to be honest. I got the form to submit my project proposal yesterday and there are spaces to list readers. My advisor never said that I had to decide on who by the February 3 deadline. So last night I emailed the coordinator about it so god knows what's going to happen. I know I'm an adult but for fuck's sake I can't think of everything. I looked over the forms and info packets and it says nothing about a form or what date I need my readers selected. I am so pissed. Forgetting about me seems to be the order of the week, as one of my bosses literally forgot to put me on the schedule for the spring semester. I told her I can't make rent if she doesn't put me on the schedule more than one day per week. That was sorted out by Thursday but between 3 jobs I can't get more than 29 hours of work per week. I'm going to have to work another day.
This morning I was making myself breakfast and mom was out of olive oil. I've never known her to be out of it for years, as she always has eggs for breakfast and frequently nags me to eat eggs, especially when I'm "back home." So I got annoyed and then used butter in the pan but apparently not enough because both egg yokes broke and then I had to have scrambled eggs. Which was fine but then mom said sarcastically, "it's going to be a fun day." This made me even more angry because she is incredibly quick tempered, immature, and often has rages in the kitchen every time she breaks egg yokes in the pan. I can't talk to her about anything, mice, travel, or most problems I face. I haven't told her about London yet to the point where I'm not even looking forward to it. Most of my friends are heartless and don't even ask me about how I'm doing, let alone reach out to me. My asshole Catholic friend won't even say hello to my mother. Mom's friends are basically dropping her. I feel utterly lost.
I'm not exactly happy about my financial situation either. I bought a plane ticket to London in June and I still owe my friend my half of the air bnb. It's not much for the latter but still, all told this trip is gonna cost me $2000. And that also happens to be the number my tuition is approaching. My last tuition, thank christ. 19-hundred clams for not very much to be honest. I got the form to submit my project proposal yesterday and there are spaces to list readers. My advisor never said that I had to decide on who by the February 3 deadline. So last night I emailed the coordinator about it so god knows what's going to happen. I know I'm an adult but for fuck's sake I can't think of everything. I looked over the forms and info packets and it says nothing about a form or what date I need my readers selected. I am so pissed. Forgetting about me seems to be the order of the week, as one of my bosses literally forgot to put me on the schedule for the spring semester. I told her I can't make rent if she doesn't put me on the schedule more than one day per week. That was sorted out by Thursday but between 3 jobs I can't get more than 29 hours of work per week. I'm going to have to work another day.
This morning I was making myself breakfast and mom was out of olive oil. I've never known her to be out of it for years, as she always has eggs for breakfast and frequently nags me to eat eggs, especially when I'm "back home." So I got annoyed and then used butter in the pan but apparently not enough because both egg yokes broke and then I had to have scrambled eggs. Which was fine but then mom said sarcastically, "it's going to be a fun day." This made me even more angry because she is incredibly quick tempered, immature, and often has rages in the kitchen every time she breaks egg yokes in the pan. I can't talk to her about anything, mice, travel, or most problems I face. I haven't told her about London yet to the point where I'm not even looking forward to it. Most of my friends are heartless and don't even ask me about how I'm doing, let alone reach out to me. My asshole Catholic friend won't even say hello to my mother. Mom's friends are basically dropping her. I feel utterly lost.
