been a while
Jan. 23rd, 2024 01:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
missanthropicprinciple It's 2024 already. Feeling kind of numb about Dad. So I'm hitting another phase because things were very bad right around Christmas. That four-year mark was so painful. I can see why people kill themselves later on when you think you're better. You just wake up one morning and you're not. I'm doing ok because I'm numb and that's a bit worrying. If I'm quite happy for very sad; if I'm laughing or crying I know where I stand. I know how I feel. I'm glad when I cry for an hour. I'm miserable but I am feeling. I'm not in denial. Same with laughter. If I'm genuinely laughing I'm ok, even though I'm usually aware I'm sad or missing Dad. Yes, I'm getting through a cold. Yes, I'm lonely. Yes, I'm bored with work lately, at least to a certain extent. But I feel like I'm totally out of touch with my grief and I'm not truly thinking about the fact that my Papa is gone.
Another thing that's been bothering me, which is partly my fault, is that I don't feel like people are thinking about me or worrying about me at all. It's my fault because I'm always saying I'm ok and I'm fine. And I repeatedly downplay my own feelings and discomfort. So I'm assuming that a lot of people don't know I'm in pain. Granted, I don't bother to tell people because often times when I do they don't get it so to me it's a waste of energy to even explain. And then when I went out for breakfast on Sunday with Sally and Allison neither really asked how I was doing and I couldn't really get a word in edgewise and we spent pretty much the entire time talking about Allison's impending divorce. I was happy to listen but at the same time I felt a bit forgotten. And then I drove home.
Last night I was talking with Jes at her house with her friend who I can't remember the name of and my friend Jade about networking and what that means to us. It was really great and I felt like we all listened to each other. One thing that came up was grief and abuse. I was reminded that people outside of Jes and even her friend do not understand grief and abuse, have no idea what those things mean, and do not know how to respond, but also only want specific responses.
So anyway, trying to get back into journaling and blogging on a safe platform that no one looks at.
Another thing that's been bothering me, which is partly my fault, is that I don't feel like people are thinking about me or worrying about me at all. It's my fault because I'm always saying I'm ok and I'm fine. And I repeatedly downplay my own feelings and discomfort. So I'm assuming that a lot of people don't know I'm in pain. Granted, I don't bother to tell people because often times when I do they don't get it so to me it's a waste of energy to even explain. And then when I went out for breakfast on Sunday with Sally and Allison neither really asked how I was doing and I couldn't really get a word in edgewise and we spent pretty much the entire time talking about Allison's impending divorce. I was happy to listen but at the same time I felt a bit forgotten. And then I drove home.
Last night I was talking with Jes at her house with her friend who I can't remember the name of and my friend Jade about networking and what that means to us. It was really great and I felt like we all listened to each other. One thing that came up was grief and abuse. I was reminded that people outside of Jes and even her friend do not understand grief and abuse, have no idea what those things mean, and do not know how to respond, but also only want specific responses.
So anyway, trying to get back into journaling and blogging on a safe platform that no one looks at.
